In the earlier post with respect to the topic above, I discussed in great length the sad, often misguided life I spent during my secondary school years. The same, though perhaps less debilitating became the case when I moved on towards O and A level classes, and it was not long before I had managed to uncover that one of the reasons for being such a socially disabled person in the eyes of none other than the society itself was being an inescapable victim of chronic ostracism.
Before, I explain what 'chronic ostracism' means, let me just point out that it's not an approved medical term, but rather something I came up with just now. In general, ostracism simply refers to being banished or expelled by a person/people in general and is often due to the individual's inability to mingle properly with the said people; hence becoming a toy for bullies and people who love taking advantage of poor hapless souls such as that particular person in question.
Medically speaking, when a person feels ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury; leading to an elongation of the make-believe pain and becoming a definite cause of depression and other related mental disorders.
There is an interesting theory that defines the consequences of ostracism in three definite stages, and the credit for coming up with this theory goes to a known professor of psychological sciences, Kipling.D.Williams. Now, I shall cover the three stages with relevance to my excessive writing problem, but before moving on to that, let me explain briefly what chronic ostracism means.
Unlike general ostracism, which can last for a few years and expire after maturity occurs in the said victim; my ostracism, however, persists even to this day and from time to time turns into one of a debilitating sort. The more socially excluded and misunderstood I feel, the more I tend to write. It does not matter what I write, or whether it makes sense, but that I do write and find the pain in my hands distract me from the complex reality surrounding me. Also, while going through the continuous three-stage cycle of ostracism, I use my writing abilities (or disease, as some would deem suitable) to add even further to it. Afterwards, the result is losing valuable friends and being unable to do anything meaningful except what I know how to; that of course being reading and writing way too excessively and being an annoyance to all those who know me.
The three stages of ostracism are: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and the most important of all, resignation. And, this my friends, is how the world revolves around me:
1) Initial acts of being ignored or excluded:
According to D.Williams, being excluded is painful due to it being a deprivation of basic human needs, such as belonging and self-esteem. The first day at my new school in Pakistan was, perhaps the worst day of my entire life, so to speak. I was laughed at by teachers and students alike for my 'uniqueness' as I prefer calling it, and by the end of the day, I was made to sit on a lone desk that was several feet away from the joint desks of my happy self-satisfied peers. Indeed, the lack of social contact led me to try all that I could to prevent the forced seclusion, but sadly it proved to be to no avail. I experienced the three-stage cycle of ostracism in a brief manner, and it was not long before I had resigned myself to staying away from society, because society seemed to betray no hint of wanting me for anything in particular. From afar, I'd watch people huddle in groups in recess, and play some games or spend time in mindless yet enjoyable gossip; and I'd experience a familiar feeling of desolation, which would then propel me to either write stories on existing fictional worlds such as Pokemon or read a book that would often fail to make sense due to its level of complexity, but which would force me to try make sense of it as a brilliant means of distraction. I'd write and write, and read and read, and no matter how much I'd pursue the said activities, it would never be really enough. The reason for that being of course the constant effect of social deprivation I had seem to become a permanent victim of.
2) Coping:
Mimicry, compliance to others' wishes, obeying orders, excessive cooperation and show of affection are known symptoms found in ostracized people, since they tend to increase pursuit of activities that could help them in securing future inclusion in their particular peer group.
The process of coping refers to the person's vain attempts at trying to cope with his/her ostracism by trying to secure inclusion in the said society. As pathetic as it sounds, to an ostracized person this seems as the most logical thing to do when all avenues to cope with desolation become but a bygone affair.
In my case, I tried making friends by writing to other people and expressing my sincere concern for their well-being as well as the immediate desire for their company. And, the more they'd avoid me, the more frustrated I'd become, and the letters would turn into long passionate essays or lengthy affection-riddled stories that would voice the aching loneliness I'd seem to find myself hopelessly trapped in. But, because most people find such extensive dialogue as both overwhelming as well as extremely annoying, I'd end up losing the ones dear to me and fall once more into the fiery depths of unwanted desolation and despair.
All the friends who've left me, they have one thing in common; they have entire novels written on themselves by me, and these novels were in the process when ties hadn't been broken. But, because the written expression of my concern turned into a hellish downpour, they were incapable to cope with it and left without attempting reconciliation in the then near future.
3) Resignation:
This is the last stage, and at this very moment, I seem to be undergoing it, since I feel rather out of control of my entire being.
Resignation is when the individual accepts that society is never going to accept him/her, and decides that they are all a bunch of fools who need to be eradicated from the face of the Earth itself. First, they should have their heads cut with a moving chain-saw and then their headless bodies be flattened by dozens and dozens of heavy tractors on a huge crop field.
See, what I did there? I didn't mean to, but this is the ONLY way an ostracized person can regain control of his shattered self-esteem, and were I to let loose the idea that I were to blame for everything wrong around me, I'd become an immediate victim of depression and other such feelings of unworthiness, which would then stop me from functioning as normally as possible for me.
Everything I write on is related to me in one way or the other. That is the curse of ostracism; the need to make yourself feel good by concentrating on solely yourself, rather than about those around you, since you are too scared that were you to spare a thought or word for them, they'd just shun you completely.
The worst thought ever to have passed my mind is the possibility of being alone in my old age, surrounded by lengthy letters, essays and novels written by me alone. And, because society rejects my entire being; whatever I've written will go to the grave with me after my death.
No one would ever know that I had ever existed. And if they did, they'd just let it pass like an innocent fly...
Before, I explain what 'chronic ostracism' means, let me just point out that it's not an approved medical term, but rather something I came up with just now. In general, ostracism simply refers to being banished or expelled by a person/people in general and is often due to the individual's inability to mingle properly with the said people; hence becoming a toy for bullies and people who love taking advantage of poor hapless souls such as that particular person in question.
Medically speaking, when a person feels ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury; leading to an elongation of the make-believe pain and becoming a definite cause of depression and other related mental disorders.
There is an interesting theory that defines the consequences of ostracism in three definite stages, and the credit for coming up with this theory goes to a known professor of psychological sciences, Kipling.D.Williams. Now, I shall cover the three stages with relevance to my excessive writing problem, but before moving on to that, let me explain briefly what chronic ostracism means.
Unlike general ostracism, which can last for a few years and expire after maturity occurs in the said victim; my ostracism, however, persists even to this day and from time to time turns into one of a debilitating sort. The more socially excluded and misunderstood I feel, the more I tend to write. It does not matter what I write, or whether it makes sense, but that I do write and find the pain in my hands distract me from the complex reality surrounding me. Also, while going through the continuous three-stage cycle of ostracism, I use my writing abilities (or disease, as some would deem suitable) to add even further to it. Afterwards, the result is losing valuable friends and being unable to do anything meaningful except what I know how to; that of course being reading and writing way too excessively and being an annoyance to all those who know me.
The three stages of ostracism are: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and the most important of all, resignation. And, this my friends, is how the world revolves around me:
1) Initial acts of being ignored or excluded:
According to D.Williams, being excluded is painful due to it being a deprivation of basic human needs, such as belonging and self-esteem. The first day at my new school in Pakistan was, perhaps the worst day of my entire life, so to speak. I was laughed at by teachers and students alike for my 'uniqueness' as I prefer calling it, and by the end of the day, I was made to sit on a lone desk that was several feet away from the joint desks of my happy self-satisfied peers. Indeed, the lack of social contact led me to try all that I could to prevent the forced seclusion, but sadly it proved to be to no avail. I experienced the three-stage cycle of ostracism in a brief manner, and it was not long before I had resigned myself to staying away from society, because society seemed to betray no hint of wanting me for anything in particular. From afar, I'd watch people huddle in groups in recess, and play some games or spend time in mindless yet enjoyable gossip; and I'd experience a familiar feeling of desolation, which would then propel me to either write stories on existing fictional worlds such as Pokemon or read a book that would often fail to make sense due to its level of complexity, but which would force me to try make sense of it as a brilliant means of distraction. I'd write and write, and read and read, and no matter how much I'd pursue the said activities, it would never be really enough. The reason for that being of course the constant effect of social deprivation I had seem to become a permanent victim of.
2) Coping:
Mimicry, compliance to others' wishes, obeying orders, excessive cooperation and show of affection are known symptoms found in ostracized people, since they tend to increase pursuit of activities that could help them in securing future inclusion in their particular peer group.
The process of coping refers to the person's vain attempts at trying to cope with his/her ostracism by trying to secure inclusion in the said society. As pathetic as it sounds, to an ostracized person this seems as the most logical thing to do when all avenues to cope with desolation become but a bygone affair.
In my case, I tried making friends by writing to other people and expressing my sincere concern for their well-being as well as the immediate desire for their company. And, the more they'd avoid me, the more frustrated I'd become, and the letters would turn into long passionate essays or lengthy affection-riddled stories that would voice the aching loneliness I'd seem to find myself hopelessly trapped in. But, because most people find such extensive dialogue as both overwhelming as well as extremely annoying, I'd end up losing the ones dear to me and fall once more into the fiery depths of unwanted desolation and despair.
All the friends who've left me, they have one thing in common; they have entire novels written on themselves by me, and these novels were in the process when ties hadn't been broken. But, because the written expression of my concern turned into a hellish downpour, they were incapable to cope with it and left without attempting reconciliation in the then near future.
3) Resignation:
This is the last stage, and at this very moment, I seem to be undergoing it, since I feel rather out of control of my entire being.
Resignation is when the individual accepts that society is never going to accept him/her, and decides that they are all a bunch of fools who need to be eradicated from the face of the Earth itself. First, they should have their heads cut with a moving chain-saw and then their headless bodies be flattened by dozens and dozens of heavy tractors on a huge crop field.
See, what I did there? I didn't mean to, but this is the ONLY way an ostracized person can regain control of his shattered self-esteem, and were I to let loose the idea that I were to blame for everything wrong around me, I'd become an immediate victim of depression and other such feelings of unworthiness, which would then stop me from functioning as normally as possible for me.
Everything I write on is related to me in one way or the other. That is the curse of ostracism; the need to make yourself feel good by concentrating on solely yourself, rather than about those around you, since you are too scared that were you to spare a thought or word for them, they'd just shun you completely.
The worst thought ever to have passed my mind is the possibility of being alone in my old age, surrounded by lengthy letters, essays and novels written by me alone. And, because society rejects my entire being; whatever I've written will go to the grave with me after my death.
No one would ever know that I had ever existed. And if they did, they'd just let it pass like an innocent fly...
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